My Incredible Shrinking World

Yup, I'm a Mommy!

I have to start this post by saying that my son is amazing - despite the fact that he doesn't know who I am, doesn't react to me as an individual at all, doesn't provide any positive reinforcement whatsover, I love him immensely already. I can't believe we have a kid, and that we get to keep him.

But I'm coming to terms with the fact that I've been right about myself all along. I am NOT stay-at-home-Mom material. It's been three weeks, and I'm already going a little nuts. It's winter, I had a C-section, and those two things make it difficult to leave the house on my own. I'm breastfeeding Baby Banana every two hours during the day, tripling the difficulty of leaving. My world these days has shrunk down to my living room couch, where I sit most of the day holding, nursing, and talking to Baby Banana, and watching old TV shows on DVD. Most days, it's just the two of us - Mr. Banana is back at work, so unless a friend comes over, it's just us.

There's a part of this that's nice. I love having him sleep on my chest in the afternoons (even when my butt falls asleep from being in the same position for hours), I love that I can make him stop crying, and I love that Mr. Banana is so excited to see both of us at the end of the day. And Mr. Banana has been an incredible partner in all of this - he calls me at home during the day to check in, he takes Baby B in the evenings and overnight so I can get some rest, and he's an incredible Daddy.

But I'm tired, and I'm sort of bored, and I'm lonely. This is much, much harder than anyone ever told me, and so far, the rewards are pretty amorphous. I don't feel as though I'm building a relationship with my kid (even though I know I am). No smiles yet, no giggles, no playtime, nothing that makes parenting fun. I read and sing to him every day, but he certainly doesn't react yet. Mostly, to him, I'm just a source of food.

My friends tell me that this all gets better, and that by the time my maternity leave is over, I'll be miserable leaving him. In my heart of hearts, I know it's true. But I find myself very jealous of Mr. Banana going off to work every day, and I look forward to starting to do some work from home in a little while just to keep my brain active. In the meantime, I'm just waiting for my son to smile at me.